Engaging Epiphanies

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For the past two months preceding this period, I hated my life. My job had completely consumed me and it was ruining my peace, my health & my joy. I would wake up with anxiety and fear in my soul and wish I didn’t have to look at the two people I called boss. They were nice enough people, but something told me they weren’t really on my side. The underhanded ridicule was almost palpable. But I endured it, because it was the most money I had ever made in my life. And I should be happy to be a part of a company who prided themselves on hiring the best and brightest. I should be thrilled to be an employee of the most relevant entertainment company in the world! It was after all, a gift to my career and bank account. Right? Never mind the lack of diversity, the fact that we always ate lunch at our desks, and never, ever took a break. Like my other counterparts, I should be running around, taking myself way too seriously, working 15 hours a day, meeting ridiculously unreasonable demands & kissing every ass that passed my way because I was privileged to be a part of this conglomerate, right?! Except none of it appealed to me. What I loved most about the culture was the freedom to work from home. The rest of the job was a stress-filled nuance that I put up with, so that I could keep food in my mouth and indulge my new sexy,  previously unaffordable shoe collection. I looked forward to Friday knowing that I would really only have one day of peace because I had to check in on Sunday.  So again, I hated my life.

Fast forward to a few days before I was let go. My blood pressure was sky high and my chest felt extremely heavy. I ran to urgent care & while nurses hooked me up to an EKG machine & took my  blood pressure over and over, I was still on my computer answering emails. Not to mention I had to fly to a meeting that I had no desire to attend. I was completely over this job and I knew it. The day prior one of my bosses sat me down, asked me if I was ok  (code for: you are messing up), and asked if I was sure I wanted to stay there. I looked at him squarely in the face and lied. “Yes!” I exclaimed. “I can do this, I like it here and things will get better, I promise.” I said this, knowing darn well that I could not handle the demand, pressure or stress of this position any longer. But I refused to admit defeat or quit. I was determined to keep going. After the urgent care incident, I was off work for 4 days and immediately fired my first day back. I wasn’t really shocked, but relieved. I walked out with my head held high even though I was hurt that I wasn’t given a chance to fully show what I could do. Oh and for everyone who is familiar with my former company, when I tell them I got fired, their response is ‘don’t worry, they fire everybody”. The average employee stays for two years, whether they leave on their own or are let go. But now what?

What are my next steps? These are the questions I have in my mind and heart. This was without a doubt the hardest I have ever worked, and I don’t want to ever work that hard again. After 25 years of breaking my neck for others, I have no desire to build someone else’s dream or empire, especially at the expense of my own sanity and well being. I understand that jobs are simply the means to an end. But what is the end? What are my goals and aspirations? How do I leverage my talents into profit and work? My talents have always been my hobbies. My day job is how I fund my hobbies. Could I possibly turn my hobbies into true money making ventures? Only time will tell, But for now, I rest, recover, reflect and rejuvenate from the rat race.  I will take the time to hear my own voice and actually listen to the Divine within my soul. Travel, adventure and peace is what I crave at the moment, and all of the hard work & stress has afforded me that opportunity.

I have been given the gift of precious freedom. And in these serene moments, I will relearn my true purpose and rediscover my passions. May the Creator of the Universe guide me to my next steps of producing profit. But as of right now; I’m taking a nap, painting a picture, writing more and loving my life! Freedom has never been so sweet.


Me enjoying the beach in Mexico

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This entry was posted on April 1, 2017 by in Everything you want.
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