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I Am Not Afraid… And That’s What Scares Me!

fearAnyone who knows me understands that I am very independent. Almost stubbornly so… At the age of 15 I moved out of my mother’s house. At age 18, I moved completely out & on my own… Even though I was young and naïve, I was always responsible. I valued the freedom and not being too dependent on anyone. Though I still had the watchful & caring eye of my family. I knew if I ever needed anything I could call a relative and get it. And I did, but not very often. As I have gotten older, I have prided myself in handling most things on my own. And I have always been happy to take on a new job challenge and change in industry. However, just a few years ago, I decided it was time to get one job and sit down. My last job was supposed to be the permanent one. I was at a major non-profit and an advocate for Women’s health in my every day work.  I knew that in the grand scheme of things, my job helped those who were underserved. When I lost that job in April I was devastated but not surprised. I knew my days were numbered in that position.

Then, after 30 days of unemployment (the exact amount of my severance package), I got another job that I enjoyed but after 3 short weeks it was over too.  So now, at this critical point of my job search I am afraid, to NOT be afraid. Shouldn’t I be scared? Shouldn’t I be fearful that I will be swallowed up in this bad economy and constant job competition? Thank God for a dear friend who owns a business and has given me part time work. Lord knows I am so grateful, the hourly rate is less than half my usual income. But, I still happily & humbly work for him, because I could be making nothing. Oh, and I did I mention that I don’t get unemployment at all? One would think I should be scared out of my wits, but as the bank account dwindles down, my hope somehow rises. My hope whispers that God is going to come through. Where does this faith I have come from? Hasn’t my faith let me down, especially in these past few months? Yes. But somehow the fire of faith still burns brightly in my heart. My penchant for the positive just won’t go away.  Again, I am afraid that I am NOT afraid!

What if I never get another full time job at the salary I am accustomed to? What if I have to pack up the gorgeous, 1,100 square foot apartment that I love and move someplace I don’t want to be? What if the independence that I’ve had for so long is lost in the shuffle of this bad economy? All of these questions run through my mind, and all I can hear is “Trust Me.” I am so familiar with that voice. The Father’s voice. The Good Shepherd’s voice. The One who gave me my independent spirit & nurtured it to maturity. The One who has opened so many doors of opportunity for my life and closed the doors of harm. The One who cares enough to give me His very best.

These days when I have an interview, I am almost at the point of saying: “I will work one day for free, and if you don’t like me, toss me back.” Bad idea, since slavery is over. (smile). However, I am feeling more anxious every day. Anxious, but faith filled. Because I have seen God rescue me (and many others) over and over again. I have been healed from severe depression & anxiety, a 6 hour fibroid surgery- after suffering with female problems for 4 years, a very crushed & broken heart, being broke, and so much more… God has sustained me and raised me up so many times. I have seen Him perform miracles on my behalf and bless me supernaturally. Why should I give up now? I cannot. I will not. And I admonish you to do the same. No matter what you are going through, you can walk in complete faith, knowing that your Father will take care of you… Sometimes we don’t get the outcome we desire, but we will certainly get what is best for our lives. The best is yet to come!

So are you going to be fearful or faith-filled? As for me, I choose the latter. I know that He will answer. My faith says so…

Psalms 34:4-7

4 I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. 5 Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame. 6 This poor man called, and the Lord heard him; he saved him out of all his troubles. 7 The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them.

8 comments on “I Am Not Afraid… And That’s What Scares Me!

  1. Kreatif
    October 1, 2012



  2. Stacey
    June 4, 2013

    I really enjoyed this post.
    Did you get another full time position?
    I am wondering, can you be anxious and full of faith? How can you be worried (anxious) and faith filled? I always thought that if you are faith filled you are trusting God and then there is no cause for worry (anxiety). I know its not so black and white. I guess that stood out to me because I am somewhat of a worry wart but I do believe that God is right there with me and do I have faith in Him. But sometimes I cant quiet my thoughts when I am anxious (worried).


    • Toiah
      June 5, 2013

      Hi Stacey,

      Thank you so much for visiting. I finally did get another position. It took 5 months but I am now at a job I love. The people are great and the work is fulfilling. Now as far as faith and fear. You can have faith and be fearful. It’s normal to feel that way. The opposite of faith is unbelief. Faith is not always easy and it doesn’t mean that you will be calm and relaxed, but it does mean that you will believe no matter WHAT you feel. God requires us to trust Him even when we don’t understand. The more you do this, the more your faith grows and the more you will find yourself being calm when challenges arise.


  3. Nellie Nunez
    April 29, 2014

    I completly understand what you went through and it makes me feel like less of a loser, knowing that im not the only one who is experiancing this. I understand the fearlessness as well. So many of my former collegues wonder how im holding up so “good. Some of them ask if i found work yet and when i say no, the communication stops, as if, they are gonna catch it (laid-offness 😉 It’s taking a lot of my grit to conquer this test in spirit and patience,trying to undo the pyscho-emotional implications of being laid-off. Having faith in higher power is lifejacket. Confidence in yourself is the life raft. Its stormy, its scary, but with the right perspective we can rebuild and start anew.


    • Toiah
      April 30, 2014

      Great perspective! A door of opportunity will open for you and it will be wonderful. In the meantime, keep looking and keep your head up. God will see you through!


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    June 12, 2014

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This entry was posted on September 25, 2012 by in Epiphanies!, Everything you want, Stay Lifted! Inspiration & Encouragement.... and tagged , .
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